Totally NOT knitting related; parental guidance suggested

a guy that i was really interested in just packed up and moved to south carolina, and i was trying to console his best friend/room mate who turns out to be his fucking boyfriend

i find all this out from the boyfriend instead of the guy himself

i'm just so fuckin tired of being dicked around. every single fuckin guy i've met this year has played fuckin games with me and i'm really fucking tired of it. tired of being the one who's always understanding. who tries to see both sides of things, and tries to see where the other's coming from, and yet *I* get shit on.

this is the type of fucked up bullshit that throws me into the self destructive person i am/can be.

here's a history for 2008 up until november 18th, 2008:
#1 felt that he needed space, and couldnt handle the stress (that HE caused on himself) of a relationship, plus ft work and ft school. took me 3 months to get over him

#2 disappeared without a word or trace for 4 months, then came back and tells me how much he loves me, etc. etc, and tries his damnedest to get back with me, then disappears AGAIN

#3 decides after spending a day and a half with me that he's going to give things a try with this guy who's supposed to be his "friend", who just moved to FUCKING WASHINGTON DC!!!!

#4 we dated for a while but discovered that we were not as compatible as we would've liked, and then act like everything is so fucking awkward now, but is inflicting any awkwardness on his own self

#5 says that we're to incongruent because of the people who i'm friends with, and because of my religious beliefs, and how that may affect some unknown event at some unforseen time in the future

#6 is #1 who wants to give things another shot with me because he misses me and realizes he fucked up. and finally when i say yes, we can try again. but ask: "what happens when you go back to school in the fall, where does that leave me" just drops the entire fucking subject. scuse me...was i supposed to be your summer play toy?!

#7 decides to meet me on a date, we fuck, and he goes lookin for a job as an OTR (on the road) trucker and ignores me

#8 spends a full 2 days with me, is perfect and head over heels for me the first night, long talks and makeout sessions before he heads home. picks me up the next day an is completely and utterly distant from me, then bitches that he has to drive me all the way back home to south jersey from new hope, pa... yet the fucker knew this well before he chose to invite me to go along with him! every time i asked him weeks and months later if he still wanted to see me, it was always "yeah but i've been busy with work, etc" and this was back in july that we had our date...i finally let him go completely in september

#9 we spend a fantastic amount of time talking online and on the phone. we finally meet up and go to the bar down the street, yeah, we got a little drunk, but head back to my place to call it a night. we're having a great time in person until he brings up a subject thats extremely touchy and doesn't like my response. that kills everything right then and there. immediately. then doesnt understand what i mean when i ask him "why does it feel like i'll never see or hear from you again" that was mid august. saw him at another bar and he couldn't even acknowledge me

#10 is great. and all around great guy....who is moving to puerto vallarta. actually, he's moved there already

#11 is a guy i met who is my age...strange for me, i know. we're so in sync it's not funny... too good to be true sometimes. but everythings going great. i even had a dream about this boy months ago. we set a date to meet on a friday, and on tuesday he tells me his dad's in the hospital because he hurt his back, so he has to cancel friday night. and i'm like "ok, well, it's tuesday and we're supposed to meet FRIDAY! but whatever. friday comes and pass and i hear nothing from him whatsoever.

#12 is south carolina boy mentioned at the beginning of the post

#13 is #2 who wants to give 100%, BUT THEN SURPRISE! HE'S OFF AND DISAPPEARED AGAIN!


ronhuber's picture

For every l5 jerks there is 1 great guy. Keep smiling and keep looking.

YugiDean's picture

Honestly, 13 go-arounds (even with a couple of repeats) is a lot of prospects for one year. From my own personal experience as one of those freaked-out commitment-phobic people you're talking about, there's no possible way to find someone you can actually make it with until you're genuinely, undeniably, and irrevocably okay on your own. If you feel even remotely like you "need" a relationship, then it will almost always backfire, if not during the chase, then later on during the relationship when you realize you're not your own person anymore and you're defining your existence entirely (or in large part) by your relationship, which is wildly unhealthy.

That's the best advice I've got. The only other bit of advice I can give is to try to be less intense. Although intensity and passion can feel fantastic and can spark wildfires between people, it can also provoke a more speedy burn-out which can end relationships even before they really begin. I probably wouldn't use comments like "Why do I feel I will never see or hear from you again" as this tends to fall (no offense) into the "melodrama" category and will usually seal the deal that you WON'T hear back if it wasn't already a given.

I learned most of that stuff the hard way as I was a fucked up mess all my life until about a year and a half ago, and that's a year and a half AFTER I met my current partner, so I lucked out that it stuck it out through the tail-end of my insanity. Hahahaha..........! When my relationship went from a chaotic, melodramatic, soap-operaesque mess to the ever-increasing bliss that it is now was the EXACT moment when it hit me that I could genuinely be happy completely on my own. Finding happiness from what we in psychology call the "internal locus of control" is unbelievably freeing. I find myself dancing on clouds about the smallest good potato chips! This, even when other facets of my life are less than satisfactory. People severely underestimate how vital it is to be the maker of your own happiness.

And don't do like my single best friend does...I tell him he's gotta be okay on his own and having his own identity. He says, "I am okay with myself and I'm okay with my life as it is." but then in almost the same breath he says, "I just really wish I had a boyfriend." I don't think you can have it both ways.

"Men can starve from a lack of self-realization as much as they can from a lack of bread." --Richard Wright

"Men can starve from a lack of self-realization as much as they can from a lack of bread." --Richard Wright

ManMadeKnits's picture


Just remember you deserve love, but you don't often get it without giving first, especially since everyone ELSE is waiting for the OTHER person to offer it up first. Kinda like respect.

Yeah, you might get it thrown back at you, but love is infinite. You can't run out.

"The only sin is mediocrity." --Martha Graham

twistknit's picture

My 11.5 year relationship ended in May. We are just good friends now that had a history together. I was depressed and wrecked over the failings of my relationship.
Knowing what I know now, I wish I had found the right person for me instead of trying to make the wrong relationship work. You can't force a relationship to happen. They do take work, but when its all work and no pleasure then it isn't worth it.
You have to date and weed out the undesirables until Mr. Right comes along.

Jason1978's picture

I get the feeling you are trying too hard to find someone, I mean, I haven't even had 15 dates in the past year, let alone find 15 prospective lovers!

Take it easy, take your time, someone will no doubt come along your path and the spark will be there.... also keep in mind, not all relationships will last forever!

'Why are you weeping? Did you imagine that I was immortal?'

kiwiknitter's picture

You've got to kiss a lot of toads to find your prince.

Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cozy, doesn't try it on.  ~Billy Connolly

PaganCub's picture

guys, thanks for all your advice and kind words.
after reading what i had posted, now with a calm, level and collected mind, admittedly i am a little shocked at myself.
i agree, i am a very intense individual, but that isn't something i can shut's in my nature (i'm an aries, with Sagittarius rising and a cancer moon. yeah. ), it's in my chart. i tone it down, but cant shut if off. every one of them told me that it was my intensity, creativity, sense of self, and.... (without any better way of putting it at the moment) finding the good in almost all situations/creating happiness....that those things are what attracted them to me. so...for that to be used against me did feel like a slap in the face.
at the same time, i AM happy and content with myself and who i am. i do love me. i am in alignment with myself, though i do forget that sometimes and have my moments. (don't we all?)
i don't NEED a boyfriend/partner to feel complete; i've learned that growing up (mom was a *strong* woman). but i won't say i dont WANT someone in my life to share my happiness with; to really connect with. i do that on a certain level with my closest friends, but there are things that i can't share with them..yanno?
yes, it seems i'm desperate to find a man; i don't view it as desperate, give things and people a chance cause ya never know, right?

if any of these experiences have taught me anything, it's to remind myself to create my own happiness and to find something, at least one thing every single day that makes me happy...brings me joy, and do it. every day....all day long.........which is one reason i get so much knitting done :P. just like YugiDean and his *scrumdiddlyumptious* potato chips (i know how you feel. ever have Flat Earth veggie chips from Frito-Lay?)

thanks guys, again, for listening, and being there, and reminding me.
Change your thoughts; change your world.

Change your thoughts; change your world.

YugiDean's picture

I will have to find those chips. I have been addicted to Kettle Brand chips. No trans fat, no MSG, and no cholesterol! Plus they rock my tongue off.

"Men can starve from a lack of self-realization as much as they can from a lack of bread." --Richard Wright

"Men can starve from a lack of self-realization as much as they can from a lack of bread." --Richard Wright

Kerry's picture

What a bitch of a year. All I can say is be open to love to enter your life, don't shut yourself off. The love of my life didn't arrive until I was 40, I turned 70 this month and we are still together. I wouldn't have believed it could happen so late in life but it does.

Mnjack's picture

It definitely was a bad year. Don't give up. I met my partner when I was 60 and we are still together....but it took a lot of work. I had been in a very unhappy marriage for years and he had been married and we finally found ourselves and each other and got together. I was not an easy person to live with, I had lots of anger. He was always there and we got counseling and we ended up strong and together. Our life is great. So just keep looking, there is someone out there for you.

NonStopAndrew's picture

Wow...I need to date more. I can only echo what everyone else has said. Do not give up hope, there is someone slutty right around the corner that is for you.

Lay off the men (relationship wise) but you can still play with them. After a while you will discover who you are and what you need. You will also discover what you can give to another should you find one. Keep on playing safe and give the relationship the road. When you feel ready to settle down you will probably have a little better luck.


Blankie's picture

I'd make some rules about engagement--never consider them more than just a casual repeat date until 3 months have gone by (or some other arbitrary time). With all that fire in your sign, you probably tend to burn hot and passionate quickly--Aries and Sagittarius tend to put it all out on the line right off the bat. They're both very honest signs, so it's hard for you to fathom that other people behave differently. Fall back on that cancerian ability to shield your emotions and pull inward for a while. Practice a little detachment like a Capricorn or Scorpio and let the passion burn under the surface (or at least under the sheets...).
--Astrologer Dad

eyedoc's picture

I have to agree with everyone else that has commented. I had been through what you have described here about 5 years ago.... hoping that every date/hook-up/passing glance was going to be THE ONE!! About this time during that year, 2003, I decided that I was going to quit looking and have fun with family and friends through the holiday season. Besides, my best friend and I were planning a trip to New Orleans in January 2004 and planned to have a good *wink* time in the French Quarter!! Thanksgiving and Christmas went beautifully, having a great time with family and going out with friends almost every night ( too old for that now ) LOL. On December 28, 2003, some friends and I went out. Again, keep in mind that I was NOT looking for Mr. Right. I will be trashily (is that a word?) honest, I was not opposed to Mr. Right Now! LOL
Meanwhile, this other guy had the same thoughts. He was there at the same bar with his cousin and her husband (they were curious about gay bars... hehe). Towards the end of the evening and after several toddies all around, I was grabbed by my back belt loop. Sorry, I know this is getting long-winded, so I will cut to the chase. We have been together ever since....we will celebrate our 5th anniversary this December 28! Sure, we have had our rough moments, but what couple hasn't!! We have a completely happy, monogamous relationship and look forward to the rest of our years together. In fact, he is the reason I learned to knit! He can crochet and I thought I would try knitting. Pardon the cliche, but the rest is history.

I can tell from your previous posts that you are very much in tune with the universe and its powers, both negative and positive. I am a very spiritual person myself and have read enough Marianne Williamson to know that what one puts out into the universe is exactly what one shall receive back and whether you profess to be Christian, Buddhist, pagan, etc., etc., etc., it all boils down to love.

I guess the point I am trying make with this diatribe (LOL) is that LOVE will find YOU when you least expect it and in the most earth-shattering, mind-blowing, beautiful ways!!

Shawn :)